SURRENDERED WIFE: The New Normal

This journey has been a wild ride… yes?

I’ve had days where I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the easy way of how things have always been.  I’ve longed for my way.  I have wanted to take over so situations would be handled… right.

I’ve gone through every emotion known to (wo)man.

There have been times I was so mad I could’ve spit.  Other times I’ve cried in frustration.  And others where I’ve laughed when a change I made actually… worked.

My husband has been amazing one day and less-than-amazing the next.

I have been challenged to try things so foreign to me that I eventually followed in blind faith, hoping it would work.

We’ve had moments where Wayne has stopped in his tracks and looked at me in confusion when I told him I didn’t have an opinion… or we could do it his way.

But regardless of the ups and downs… regardless of the crunchy times… my journey to surrender has worked miracles in my marriage.

Are things perfect?  Nope.

Do I always do it right?  Not a chance.

Is my marriage problem-free?  HA!

Am I always excited to step back so he can step forward?  LOL.

But I am so grateful to have crossed paths with The Surrendered Wife book, because it has helped me begin to align my role with God’s design.

It’s helped clearly define the differences between worldly submission and Godly surrender.  They are worlds apart.

I wish we could sit together over coffee and share our experiences.   I wonder…

• Did you face similar struggles and responses? 
• Why did you decided to walk this journey with me?
• Has your marriage improved?
• Does your husband have more confidence?
• Is he more engaged?
• Do you feel less overwhelmed?
• Have you found freedom from not having to do it all?

My biggest hope is you’ve discovered that surrendering to your husband … as God intended … is a good thing.

If you are like me, your heart has long yearned for a better marriage.  And this journey has opened your eyes to ways you can help make that desire a reality.

To no surprise, God keeps providing me with ample opportunities to fully embrace the surrendering concept.

For the past few months, we’ve been collecting bids and estimates for some home renovations.  Our house is almost 15 years old and looks it.  Rather than update with “fun” renovations, we are doing the necessary ones instead.

To be honest, I’m a little anxious.

I’m a bargain-hunting, coupon-using, cheapest-way-to-do-it kind of girl.  But I’m coming to realize there are some processes that you shouldn’t skimp on.

“You get what you pay for” is my husband’s mantra.

I’ve had to apply generous amounts of that proverbial duct tape to keep my mouth shut.  And rather than argue with, question or stress out, I’m making a deliberate choice to just trust him.

In reality, he is a smart man capable of making good choices.  And I’ve learned that my ways are not always the best ways.  I know these things… now.

And when that inner control-freak threatens to erupt, I pray this quick prayer… out loud.

“Lord, I trust Your Holy Spirit’s voice in my husband.”

It’s become a regular saying.

So, when anxiety starts to invade…

when I begin to worry about money…

when I think he’s making the wrong choices…

I am intentional in stepping out of the way so he can lead.

It’s not my normal response… yet.

But it will be.

I am committed to becoming a card-carrying surrendered wife, because I like “us” better when we are in the roles God designed for marriage.

I’m realizing there is great freedom in letting Wayne and God figure it out.  And to my amazement, they don’t need my unsolicited input or advice.

They are doing just fine.

Yes… this is good.

My husband is more confident and choosing to lead.

I am softer and more willing to release control.

Our marriage is more in alignment with God’s design.

And yours can be, too.

†††

♥♥ COMING THIS FALL! ♥♥

If you’ve enjoyed my Surrendered Wife blog series, but want to spend some more time on this message or share it with a friend… then I’m excited to tell you about my upcoming devotional book.

My NEW BOOK will be packed with extras not available anywhere else.

• Several additional devos on topics not covered in the series.
• Practical tips and tools for becoming a surrendered wife.
• A man’s perspective following each devotional, teaching us why it matters to them.

I’m only printing in limited quantity, so if you are interested in pre-ordering a copy… please email me at CareyLScott@gmail.com.  I’ll send you an email reminder when it’s available.

Will be available in both paperback and on Kindle.

A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!

I’ve been speaking with Laura Doyle herself… the New York Time Best-Selling Author of The Surrendered Wife… and she has made a generous offer for those of you who have been walking this journey with me.

She has created a weekend retreat for women that teaches the skills we’ve learned through our journey… and more!   We’ll learn how to get our needs and desires met, while honoring our husbands every single day.  And have some fun girl-time, too!

While this is not promoted as a faith-based retreat, it does offer God-honoring ideals on loving and respecting our husbands.

The retreat is June 22nd – 24th in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  All the details can be found here.

Until May 20th… if you sign up using the coupon code “surrender”… you’ll receive almost ½ off! 

Thank you, Laura!

†††

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Trying to raise kids who love God?  Find my book - Raising Godly Kids – here.

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: Showing Your Vulnerability

“Wayne, I can’t figure this out… and I need you to handle it.”

Did I really just say that?

To be honest, I was a bit surprised at how easily those words escaped my mouth.

That phrase has always felt… foreign.

Why?

Because before I decided to walk this journey of surrendering to my husband, those words would have never passed through my lips.

I would have just… handled it.

I’d have figured it out.

But what I am coming to realize is that I DON’T have to figure it all out on my own.

It’s okay for me to be… vulnerable.

As a matter of fact, it’s key to real intimacy in my marriage.

In a world where women are encouraged to manage their families… bring home the bacon… look beautiful at all times… and have all the answers, it’s good for our husbands to see the softer side in us.

Sharing our unguarded-selves encourages them to step up and be the hero.

When I asked my husband to handle this particular situation, he immediately began to find excuses as to why he couldn’t.

I’m too busy today.

I’ve got a meeting to attend.

I don’t know the whole situation.

Just as asking felt foreign to me… jumping into action felt foreign to him.

But I was quick to affirm his ability to handle this… and my inability to take it on.

And after a few minutes, his inner-Superman stepped up.

Could I have effectively handled this situation?

Yes… with a little effort.

But it felt good to not have to tackle this myself.  It was nice to let him work out the details instead.

And contrary to my long-standing belief, asking for help was quite freeing.

Through this surrendering process, I’m learning to embrace two simple phrases…

• “I can’t.”
• “I don’t know.”

Rather than allowing fear to keep me functioning as an “I-can-do-it-all-aholic”… I am choosing to instead be vulnerable with my husband.

It’s time to change this old pattern that promotes isolation.

It’s time to break down my walls of protection.

I don’t need them anymore.

You don’t either.

Honestly, I think vulnerability gets a bad rap.

• We consider it a weakness. 
• We think it makes us appear incapable.
• It’s seen as a character flaw. 
• It is viewed as a limitation.
• We feel like a failure.

But in reality, it’s actually a quite attractive quality to possess.

In my ministry, I encourage women to be real about their lives… fears… struggles… relationships… and challenges all the time.

I truly believe living authentically is the best way to live.

But this journey has exposed just how difficult it’s been for me to show that vulnerability… in my marriage.

Why?

Maybe a lack of confidence in who I was? 

Maybe a lack of confidence in who he was?

Regardless, I am now intentional in revealing my need for him… to him.  And it’s doing wonders for us individually and as a couple.

I wonder if you are facing that same dynamic.

What if we decided to be… vulnerable… with our men?

• Superman was always there to swoop in and help Lois Lane when she found herself in trouble and unable to handle dangers on her own.

• In the Notebook, when Allie was incapable of living alone due to her Alzheimers… Noah gave up his freedom to live in the nursing home to care for her.

• The Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion risked death and the Wicked Witch to help the misplaced and meek Dorothy reach Oz safely in the hopes she could return home.

Yes… I know it’s the movies, but this might be one time Hollywood teaches us a valuable, God-designed truth.

Sisters…

Men were created to care for their women.

God put that desire in their DNA.

And most of the time, they will respond to our needs.

But… we have to show our husbands that we actually have needs.

Will they rise to the occasion immediately?

Maybe.  But more likely, it will take a while for them to trust that they have what it takes to be the hero.

Will they always get it right?

Probably not. Do you? 

Will they continue to try?

That depends on our response to our husband’s trial and error.  Will we judge failure or affirm initiative?

So… what can you do?

Affirm your husband as often as you can.

Ask the Spirit of Courage to invade your husband.

Share your needs without any condemnation or frustration.

Refrain from nagging when those needs are not immediately met.

Show him your softer side by telling him, “I can’t do this. I need your help.”

A surrendered wife will continue to give her husband chances to be the hero, and will then sincerely affirm that inner-Superman when he does.

As he stands with hands on his hips, chest pumped up and cape waving in the background, he will feel extreme pride in his ability to care for and protect his family.

He needs to feel that satisfaction.

You need to feel that protection.

And none of that will happen until you show your vulnerability.

“But Carey, my husband is so passive.” 

So was mine.

“I’m more of the man in our marriage.” 

So was I.

“Vulnerability scares me.” 

Did me, too.

“It will never work.” 

I felt the same.

Look, there are a million reasons NOT to do this.  But I am wondering if you’d agree that your marriage might be worth another earnest try.

Girls… let your husband know you need him.

♥

REALITY CHECK:  When we reveal our vulnerability, it gives our husbands a much-needed opportunity to positively contribute to the marriage and family.  And that creates intimacy.

†††

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Need a Mother’s Day gift idea?  Find my book - Raising Godly Kids – here.

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: The Power of Your Words

My husband keeps toying with the idea of moving across town.

It makes sense, really.

Our kid’s school and our family’s church are in the area he’s interested in moving to.  It’s closer to the highway, so his commute time to Denver will be drastically shaved.

But it scares me.

To be honest, I love our house.

• The pond behind is beautiful.
• Our neighbors are amazing.
• The floor plan is delightful.
• Our mortgage is affordable.
• The subdivision is desirable.

But even more than all that, it’s the only home we’ve lived in as a couple.  We’ve raised our kids here.  It’s familiar and comfortable.

The location, however, is becoming a challenge. And because of that, Wayne continues to consider a move.

So many thoughts begin swirling in my mind…

What if the timing between selling and buying don’t align?

What if we end up hating the new location?

Does he really know what he is doing?

Is he looking at all the financial angles?

But rather than share these fear-driven thoughts with my husband, I am being intentional to speak words of encouragement and support.  He needs to know that I trust him to protect his family.

You see, our words have the ability to make our husbands thrive… or dive.

When we tell them they are smart… make good choices… are conscientious with finances… great with looking at the big picture… they will rise to the occasion.

Speaking your confidence… breeds his.

So what if we really don’t have that kind of confidence in our husbands?

Good question.

I’ve decided to speak it anyway.  “I know you will make the best decision for our family, Wayne.  You always do.”

In reality… does he?  No.

But you know what?  Neither do I.

Even with the best intentions, we all mess up.

I am being purposeful in blessing him, regardless of my fears and doubts.

I am choosing to not to criticize… correct… or control.

I’m learning to trust the Holy Spirit’s voice in my husband.

And I know God will honor that.

Think about it. 

Where does your husband need your vote of confidence?

Where does he need your words of affirmation and encouragement?

Where does he need to know you respect his role as leader in your home?

Don’t tarry… and don’t withhold your encouragement.

As God-honoring wives, we have the unique ability to help develop that leadership muscle in our husbands through… our words.

Maybe you’re wondering, “What’s in it for me?”  Well, the benefits of speaking life into your husband are invaluable.

• It shifts your mindset, so you begin having authentic faith in his abilities.
• It cultivates in him a genuine care for the family and awakens his leadership role.

He won’t want to let you down.

I’ve seen this happen in our current situation.

At first, I questioned his thoughts on moving.  I nagged him to make a decision either way, and made comments that reflected my doubts in his ability to work this out.

The result?  His confidence level was shaken. 

But since I’ve been deliberate to instead affirm my faith in him and in his ability to make this huge decision, Wayne’s boldly embraced the weight of the situation.

I am not following up with his thought process.

I’m not asking about his timing.

I am not making suggestions based on how I would move forward.

Instead, I say things like:

“I am so thankful you’re a numbers guy who can figure out all the financial stuff!”

“I trust that you will make the best choice for our family.”

“I appreciate how you are checking out all our options.”

I’ve begun praying these beliefs out loud and in front of him and the kids during our bedtime prayers.

How affirming it is for Wayne to be complimented in front of his children.  How vital it is for them to see what a Godly man their father is.  And how important it is for them to see that he is respected and honored by his wife.

And you know what I am finding?

I actually believe these statements now.

• I really do trust that he is considering every option carefully.
• I have faith in his financial smarts and common sense.
• I know he will do the very best he can for our family.

Rather than give into fear that he won’t do it right, I am choosing to believe in him… and I’m making sure to send him that same message.

And to be honest, it’s incredibly freeing to step back and let Wayne and God work it out.

Who knew?

Sisters, what would happen if…

…we began to speak to our husband’s potential rather than their shortcomings?

…we began to believe that our husband’s ways just might be the best ones?

…we decided to find the goodness in our men instead of judging them?

Let’s find out.

♥

REALITY CHECK:  “Gracious speech is like clover honey… good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body.” (Proverbs 16:24 MSG)

†††

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Trying to raise Godly kids?  Get my BOOK – in paperback or on Kindle!

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: Don’t Micro-Manage Your Husband

Taxes are due on April 15th.

Always have been… always will be.

Now had it been done my way, they would have been filed last February.

But they weren’t.  And we are just a few days shy of the due date and they are still… not… done.

Can I be honest?

Everything in me wants to scream.  Especially since we are getting a decent chunk of money back and could really use it right now.

But I haven’t screamed.

As a matter of fact, I’ve decided to step back from micro-managing this process.

• I’m not asking him when they’ll be done. 
• I’m not dropping subtle hints that they are due Sunday.
• I’m not offering to help with them.

Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to trust that my husband will rise to the occasion.

Sisters… if you knew me… you’d giggle at how very different this response is from what it used to be.  My heart for my man and my marriage has shifted.  And this is a huge step in my surrendering journey.

I wonder if you are seeing some big breakthrough, too.

It’s good for us to intentionally take that step back.  Sometimes unless we do, he won’t take that necessary step forward.

It’s good for us to keep our mouths shut… instead of nagging him and judging his action plan.  (duct tape works wonders)

It’s good for us to let them take the reins… rather than always being the one in charge.

It’s… good.

As capable, intelligent, educated wives, we tend to crowd our husbands rather than give them the room they need to lead their way.

We naturally believe that our way is best… since it’s how we’ve always done it.

We worry things won’t get done… and so we micro-manage their efforts.

We become overly preoccupied with their success or failure.

We wait and watch and find ourselves sitting in that lofty judgment seat.

Yuck.

You know what? 

Those responses to our husband’s leadership abilities are the complete opposite of surrendering.

Managing our husbands and surrendering to them cannot co-exist.  You have to choose one or the other.

So, think about it.

Are you crowding him?

Well, you might be crowding your husband if…

You threaten to hire the neighbor kid to mow since the lawn is longer than you’d like it to be, and he hasn’t mowed it yet.

You regularly check the pile of bills, and then remind him about what payments are due by what date.

You’re frustrated the project has stalled, and so you offer to finish it rather than wait on him to get it done.

Instead of letting him learn his own lessons, you go down a check list of items he needs for work as he’s walking out the door.

Rather than risk it piling up, you remind him that trash day is tomorrow.

Anyone?

When we manage our husband’s efforts… and schedules… and chores… and ability to be an adult… it’s just another nasty form of control.

Sometimes we control and crowd them with…

our actions,

our words,

and our tone.

But other times we use…

our silence.

Without speaking a word, my husband can always tell when my sense of urgency doesn’t align with his.  He can tell when I am not pleased with how he is handling something.  He knows when my frustration level is rising without me opening my mouth.

He can read my non-verbal clues.

My facial expression hides nothing.

Regardless of if I say it out loud or not, he feels… crowded.

Chances are it’s the same in your marriage.

And when our husbands sense that we’re unhappy with how they are managing their lives and family responsibilities, one of two things can happen:

1. They feel defeated, lose self-confidence and step back so we can take control again, or
2. They become angry and defensive that we don’t trust their ability to function as an adult.

Either way, intimacy takes a huge hit.

A surrendered wife is willing to take the risk of trusting her husband and his timing… rather than sending the message that he’s not good enough.

For a man, the “you-are-not-good-enough” message is a very dangerous one for them to receive.

Why?

Because it can become a truth they believe about themselves … and a truth you begin to believe about them, too.

And as we’ve learned, our husbands have a deep need for us to respect who they are.  It’s vital.

So I wonder… are you micro-managing your man and your marriage?

Be careful, because:

It’s not healthy.

It’s not honoring.

It’s not how God designed it.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  Your husband is fully capable of meeting any challenges that arise, and can learn his own lessons, too.  Don’t manage who he is, what he does, or how he does it.  It’s not your job.

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Looking for ideas on how to raise your children to love God?  Buy my devotional book “Raising Godly Kids” on Amazon today!

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: Don’t Take the Bait

My husband has been very frustrated with the budget lately.

The system he’s using to track the ups and downs of our cash flow isn’t reflecting the bank’s accounting. He’s tried to tweak it, but the process is time-consuming.  And when things don’t go smoothly, he gets frustrated and overwhelmed.

It’s a pretty common reaction, really.

He’s been making comments like…

“The whole budget is a mess!  I can’t make it work.” 

and…

“We blew it last month, and I’m not sure what to do.”

This is what the book, The Surrendered Wife, refers to as… “BAIT.”

It’s a subconscious (and sometimes conscious) tactic to get us to take back control of that specific area.  For many of our husbands, they are walking in a new territory and facing problems they are not used to fixing.  They’re just not sure what to do.

Why?

Because we’ve been controlling most things in our marriages and in our families for years.

Sisters… that’s not necessarily a badge of honor.

Through this process, we’re coming to understand it’s actually a relational dysfunction.

And since we are committed to becoming Godly wives who respect our husbands as God-designed heads of our homes… this journey is a good one.

We’ve decided we want better marriages.

We’ve agreed to give up control in some appropriate areas and let our men lead instead.

And so understand that this “BAIT” behavior is common and to be expected at this stage of the journey.

Remember, this isn’t only new territory for you.

But here’s my advice when your man tries to hook you back into old patterns.

RESIST.

Don’t help him figure it out.

Don’t take the control back.

You see, this is such a critical part of his journey…  as well as yours.

Rather than swoop in and fix the problem, we need our husbands to know that we trust them to find a solution.

We need to let them figure things out on their own.

• When he tells you the budget is a mess, tell him you are glad he’s taking care of it.
• When he asks what he should fix for a snack, tell him you’re not sure.
• When he wants to know what time you need to leave for church, ask him what he thinks would be best.

I know, I know.

We are completely capable of making these decisions.  We are intelligent and have discernment.  And yes, we want to help our husbands when they need it.

But sisters… unless we step out of that “we have all the answers” role… they will never step into it.

This really IS helping our husbands.

Can you see that?

Think about it.  Our men are smart and capable in their careers, but lack that same confidence … at home.

They’ve become complacent and passive because we have always been willing to step up.

The result is an atrophied leadership muscle in our husbands. 

So when we refuse to take the bait… when we refuse to re-engage… when we refuse to figure everything out…  we are encouraging them to exercise and strengthen those muscles.

But here’s where we run into trouble.

When Wayne announces the budget is a mess and he can’t make it work…

I start to panic.

I begin to worry.

I feel vulnerable.

I launch into fear.

And then my desire to control raises its ugly head.

Can you relate to these responses in situations within your own marriage?

This is where prayer becomes vital.

“Father, I feel so unsettled and afraid that we are headed into financial ruin.  My flesh wants to fix this… but I know that is NOT your plan, and so I am deciding to trust You in Wayne’s journey to become the leader in our home.  Give me Your peace.  Remind me of Your provision.  Show me Your plan.  Amen.”

And then God gently brings this scripture to mind:

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

Sisters… we have to trust God.

• We don’t jump in and take over.
• We don’t mention their complacency.
• We don’t remind them to do something.
• We don’t ask if things are done.
• We don’t take the bait.

Instead… we trust that God is working it out in our husbands.  We choose to believe that He is part of the plan.

We surrender to our Creator.

There are situations, however, where we should give our thoughts and opinions.

Surrendering does NOT mean your voice is less important.

It just means your voice isn’t the only one.

When the opportunity comes up to let your husband know your preference…  your desire… share it.

• Let him know what movie you’d like to see on date night.
• Take part in choosing the family’s vacation spot.
• Share your opinion on which new carpet you like best.

Never forget that what you think… what you want… and what you need matters.

But when he wants your opinion on what he should do… refuse to take the bait.

Let him make his own decision.

When Wayne mentioned his frustration with the budget situation this last weekend… I said, “Hmmm.  Whatcha gonna do?” on the outside.  But on the inside, I cried out to God, “Help me surrender in this situation!”

I know Wayne will figure it out.

• He is intelligent.
• He loves his family.
• He wants to lead.

So… I stand back and let him.

I’m challenging you to do the same thing in your marriage.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  As your husband is developing his leadership muscle in your home, help him by refusing to take back control of things he’s struggling to learn.  Remember he is smart and capable, so show him you trust his abilities!  

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Order my devotional book “Raising Godly Kids” on Amazon today!

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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