SURRENDERED WIFE: The New Normal

This journey has been a wild ride… yes?

I’ve had days where I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the easy way of how things have always been.  I’ve longed for my way.  I have wanted to take over so situations would be handled… right.

I’ve gone through every emotion known to (wo)man.

There have been times I was so mad I could’ve spit.  Other times I’ve cried in frustration.  And others where I’ve laughed when a change I made actually… worked.

My husband has been amazing one day and less-than-amazing the next.

I have been challenged to try things so foreign to me that I eventually followed in blind faith, hoping it would work.

We’ve had moments where Wayne has stopped in his tracks and looked at me in confusion when I told him I didn’t have an opinion… or we could do it his way.

But regardless of the ups and downs… regardless of the crunchy times… my journey to surrender has worked miracles in my marriage.

Are things perfect?  Nope.

Do I always do it right?  Not a chance.

Is my marriage problem-free?  HA!

Am I always excited to step back so he can step forward?  LOL.

But I am so grateful to have crossed paths with The Surrendered Wife book, because it has helped me begin to align my role with God’s design.

It’s helped clearly define the differences between worldly submission and Godly surrender.  They are worlds apart.

I wish we could sit together over coffee and share our experiences.   I wonder…

• Did you face similar struggles and responses? 
• Why did you decided to walk this journey with me?
• Has your marriage improved?
• Does your husband have more confidence?
• Is he more engaged?
• Do you feel less overwhelmed?
• Have you found freedom from not having to do it all?

My biggest hope is you’ve discovered that surrendering to your husband … as God intended … is a good thing.

If you are like me, your heart has long yearned for a better marriage.  And this journey has opened your eyes to ways you can help make that desire a reality.

To no surprise, God keeps providing me with ample opportunities to fully embrace the surrendering concept.

For the past few months, we’ve been collecting bids and estimates for some home renovations.  Our house is almost 15 years old and looks it.  Rather than update with “fun” renovations, we are doing the necessary ones instead.

To be honest, I’m a little anxious.

I’m a bargain-hunting, coupon-using, cheapest-way-to-do-it kind of girl.  But I’m coming to realize there are some processes that you shouldn’t skimp on.

“You get what you pay for” is my husband’s mantra.

I’ve had to apply generous amounts of that proverbial duct tape to keep my mouth shut.  And rather than argue with, question or stress out, I’m making a deliberate choice to just trust him.

In reality, he is a smart man capable of making good choices.  And I’ve learned that my ways are not always the best ways.  I know these things… now.

And when that inner control-freak threatens to erupt, I pray this quick prayer… out loud.

“Lord, I trust Your Holy Spirit’s voice in my husband.”

It’s become a regular saying.

So, when anxiety starts to invade…

when I begin to worry about money…

when I think he’s making the wrong choices…

I am intentional in stepping out of the way so he can lead.

It’s not my normal response… yet.

But it will be.

I am committed to becoming a card-carrying surrendered wife, because I like “us” better when we are in the roles God designed for marriage.

I’m realizing there is great freedom in letting Wayne and God figure it out.  And to my amazement, they don’t need my unsolicited input or advice.

They are doing just fine.

Yes… this is good.

My husband is more confident and choosing to lead.

I am softer and more willing to release control.

Our marriage is more in alignment with God’s design.

And yours can be, too.

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♥♥ COMING THIS FALL! ♥♥

If you’ve enjoyed my Surrendered Wife blog series, but want to spend some more time on this message or share it with a friend… then I’m excited to tell you about my upcoming devotional book.

My NEW BOOK will be packed with extras not available anywhere else.

• Several additional devos on topics not covered in the series.
• Practical tips and tools for becoming a surrendered wife.
• A man’s perspective following each devotional, teaching us why it matters to them.

I’m only printing in limited quantity, so if you are interested in pre-ordering a copy… please email me at CareyLScott@gmail.com.  I’ll send you an email reminder when it’s available.

Will be available in both paperback and on Kindle.

A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!

I’ve been speaking with Laura Doyle herself… the New York Time Best-Selling Author of The Surrendered Wife… and she has made a generous offer for those of you who have been walking this journey with me.

She has created a weekend retreat for women that teaches the skills we’ve learned through our journey… and more!   We’ll learn how to get our needs and desires met, while honoring our husbands every single day.  And have some fun girl-time, too!

While this is not promoted as a faith-based retreat, it does offer God-honoring ideals on loving and respecting our husbands.

The retreat is June 22nd – 24th in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  All the details can be found here.

Until May 20th… if you sign up using the coupon code “surrender”… you’ll receive almost ½ off! 

Thank you, Laura!

†††

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Trying to raise kids who love God?  Find my book - Raising Godly Kids – here.

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: Showing Your Vulnerability

“Wayne, I can’t figure this out… and I need you to handle it.”

Did I really just say that?

To be honest, I was a bit surprised at how easily those words escaped my mouth.

That phrase has always felt… foreign.

Why?

Because before I decided to walk this journey of surrendering to my husband, those words would have never passed through my lips.

I would have just… handled it.

I’d have figured it out.

But what I am coming to realize is that I DON’T have to figure it all out on my own.

It’s okay for me to be… vulnerable.

As a matter of fact, it’s key to real intimacy in my marriage.

In a world where women are encouraged to manage their families… bring home the bacon… look beautiful at all times… and have all the answers, it’s good for our husbands to see the softer side in us.

Sharing our unguarded-selves encourages them to step up and be the hero.

When I asked my husband to handle this particular situation, he immediately began to find excuses as to why he couldn’t.

I’m too busy today.

I’ve got a meeting to attend.

I don’t know the whole situation.

Just as asking felt foreign to me… jumping into action felt foreign to him.

But I was quick to affirm his ability to handle this… and my inability to take it on.

And after a few minutes, his inner-Superman stepped up.

Could I have effectively handled this situation?

Yes… with a little effort.

But it felt good to not have to tackle this myself.  It was nice to let him work out the details instead.

And contrary to my long-standing belief, asking for help was quite freeing.

Through this surrendering process, I’m learning to embrace two simple phrases…

• “I can’t.”
• “I don’t know.”

Rather than allowing fear to keep me functioning as an “I-can-do-it-all-aholic”… I am choosing to instead be vulnerable with my husband.

It’s time to change this old pattern that promotes isolation.

It’s time to break down my walls of protection.

I don’t need them anymore.

You don’t either.

Honestly, I think vulnerability gets a bad rap.

• We consider it a weakness. 
• We think it makes us appear incapable.
• It’s seen as a character flaw. 
• It is viewed as a limitation.
• We feel like a failure.

But in reality, it’s actually a quite attractive quality to possess.

In my ministry, I encourage women to be real about their lives… fears… struggles… relationships… and challenges all the time.

I truly believe living authentically is the best way to live.

But this journey has exposed just how difficult it’s been for me to show that vulnerability… in my marriage.

Why?

Maybe a lack of confidence in who I was? 

Maybe a lack of confidence in who he was?

Regardless, I am now intentional in revealing my need for him… to him.  And it’s doing wonders for us individually and as a couple.

I wonder if you are facing that same dynamic.

What if we decided to be… vulnerable… with our men?

• Superman was always there to swoop in and help Lois Lane when she found herself in trouble and unable to handle dangers on her own.

• In the Notebook, when Allie was incapable of living alone due to her Alzheimers… Noah gave up his freedom to live in the nursing home to care for her.

• The Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion risked death and the Wicked Witch to help the misplaced and meek Dorothy reach Oz safely in the hopes she could return home.

Yes… I know it’s the movies, but this might be one time Hollywood teaches us a valuable, God-designed truth.

Sisters…

Men were created to care for their women.

God put that desire in their DNA.

And most of the time, they will respond to our needs.

But… we have to show our husbands that we actually have needs.

Will they rise to the occasion immediately?

Maybe.  But more likely, it will take a while for them to trust that they have what it takes to be the hero.

Will they always get it right?

Probably not. Do you? 

Will they continue to try?

That depends on our response to our husband’s trial and error.  Will we judge failure or affirm initiative?

So… what can you do?

Affirm your husband as often as you can.

Ask the Spirit of Courage to invade your husband.

Share your needs without any condemnation or frustration.

Refrain from nagging when those needs are not immediately met.

Show him your softer side by telling him, “I can’t do this. I need your help.”

A surrendered wife will continue to give her husband chances to be the hero, and will then sincerely affirm that inner-Superman when he does.

As he stands with hands on his hips, chest pumped up and cape waving in the background, he will feel extreme pride in his ability to care for and protect his family.

He needs to feel that satisfaction.

You need to feel that protection.

And none of that will happen until you show your vulnerability.

“But Carey, my husband is so passive.” 

So was mine.

“I’m more of the man in our marriage.” 

So was I.

“Vulnerability scares me.” 

Did me, too.

“It will never work.” 

I felt the same.

Look, there are a million reasons NOT to do this.  But I am wondering if you’d agree that your marriage might be worth another earnest try.

Girls… let your husband know you need him.

♥

REALITY CHECK:  When we reveal our vulnerability, it gives our husbands a much-needed opportunity to positively contribute to the marriage and family.  And that creates intimacy.

†††

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Need a Mother’s Day gift idea?  Find my book - Raising Godly Kids – here.

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: The Power of Your Words

My husband keeps toying with the idea of moving across town.

It makes sense, really.

Our kid’s school and our family’s church are in the area he’s interested in moving to.  It’s closer to the highway, so his commute time to Denver will be drastically shaved.

But it scares me.

To be honest, I love our house.

• The pond behind is beautiful.
• Our neighbors are amazing.
• The floor plan is delightful.
• Our mortgage is affordable.
• The subdivision is desirable.

But even more than all that, it’s the only home we’ve lived in as a couple.  We’ve raised our kids here.  It’s familiar and comfortable.

The location, however, is becoming a challenge. And because of that, Wayne continues to consider a move.

So many thoughts begin swirling in my mind…

What if the timing between selling and buying don’t align?

What if we end up hating the new location?

Does he really know what he is doing?

Is he looking at all the financial angles?

But rather than share these fear-driven thoughts with my husband, I am being intentional to speak words of encouragement and support.  He needs to know that I trust him to protect his family.

You see, our words have the ability to make our husbands thrive… or dive.

When we tell them they are smart… make good choices… are conscientious with finances… great with looking at the big picture… they will rise to the occasion.

Speaking your confidence… breeds his.

So what if we really don’t have that kind of confidence in our husbands?

Good question.

I’ve decided to speak it anyway.  “I know you will make the best decision for our family, Wayne.  You always do.”

In reality… does he?  No.

But you know what?  Neither do I.

Even with the best intentions, we all mess up.

I am being purposeful in blessing him, regardless of my fears and doubts.

I am choosing to not to criticize… correct… or control.

I’m learning to trust the Holy Spirit’s voice in my husband.

And I know God will honor that.

Think about it. 

Where does your husband need your vote of confidence?

Where does he need your words of affirmation and encouragement?

Where does he need to know you respect his role as leader in your home?

Don’t tarry… and don’t withhold your encouragement.

As God-honoring wives, we have the unique ability to help develop that leadership muscle in our husbands through… our words.

Maybe you’re wondering, “What’s in it for me?”  Well, the benefits of speaking life into your husband are invaluable.

• It shifts your mindset, so you begin having authentic faith in his abilities.
• It cultivates in him a genuine care for the family and awakens his leadership role.

He won’t want to let you down.

I’ve seen this happen in our current situation.

At first, I questioned his thoughts on moving.  I nagged him to make a decision either way, and made comments that reflected my doubts in his ability to work this out.

The result?  His confidence level was shaken. 

But since I’ve been deliberate to instead affirm my faith in him and in his ability to make this huge decision, Wayne’s boldly embraced the weight of the situation.

I am not following up with his thought process.

I’m not asking about his timing.

I am not making suggestions based on how I would move forward.

Instead, I say things like:

“I am so thankful you’re a numbers guy who can figure out all the financial stuff!”

“I trust that you will make the best choice for our family.”

“I appreciate how you are checking out all our options.”

I’ve begun praying these beliefs out loud and in front of him and the kids during our bedtime prayers.

How affirming it is for Wayne to be complimented in front of his children.  How vital it is for them to see what a Godly man their father is.  And how important it is for them to see that he is respected and honored by his wife.

And you know what I am finding?

I actually believe these statements now.

• I really do trust that he is considering every option carefully.
• I have faith in his financial smarts and common sense.
• I know he will do the very best he can for our family.

Rather than give into fear that he won’t do it right, I am choosing to believe in him… and I’m making sure to send him that same message.

And to be honest, it’s incredibly freeing to step back and let Wayne and God work it out.

Who knew?

Sisters, what would happen if…

…we began to speak to our husband’s potential rather than their shortcomings?

…we began to believe that our husband’s ways just might be the best ones?

…we decided to find the goodness in our men instead of judging them?

Let’s find out.

♥

REALITY CHECK:  “Gracious speech is like clover honey… good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body.” (Proverbs 16:24 MSG)

†††

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Trying to raise Godly kids?  Get my BOOK – in paperback or on Kindle!

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: Don’t Micro-Manage Your Husband

Taxes are due on April 15th.

Always have been… always will be.

Now had it been done my way, they would have been filed last February.

But they weren’t.  And we are just a few days shy of the due date and they are still… not… done.

Can I be honest?

Everything in me wants to scream.  Especially since we are getting a decent chunk of money back and could really use it right now.

But I haven’t screamed.

As a matter of fact, I’ve decided to step back from micro-managing this process.

• I’m not asking him when they’ll be done. 
• I’m not dropping subtle hints that they are due Sunday.
• I’m not offering to help with them.

Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to trust that my husband will rise to the occasion.

Sisters… if you knew me… you’d giggle at how very different this response is from what it used to be.  My heart for my man and my marriage has shifted.  And this is a huge step in my surrendering journey.

I wonder if you are seeing some big breakthrough, too.

It’s good for us to intentionally take that step back.  Sometimes unless we do, he won’t take that necessary step forward.

It’s good for us to keep our mouths shut… instead of nagging him and judging his action plan.  (duct tape works wonders)

It’s good for us to let them take the reins… rather than always being the one in charge.

It’s… good.

As capable, intelligent, educated wives, we tend to crowd our husbands rather than give them the room they need to lead their way.

We naturally believe that our way is best… since it’s how we’ve always done it.

We worry things won’t get done… and so we micro-manage their efforts.

We become overly preoccupied with their success or failure.

We wait and watch and find ourselves sitting in that lofty judgment seat.

Yuck.

You know what? 

Those responses to our husband’s leadership abilities are the complete opposite of surrendering.

Managing our husbands and surrendering to them cannot co-exist.  You have to choose one or the other.

So, think about it.

Are you crowding him?

Well, you might be crowding your husband if…

You threaten to hire the neighbor kid to mow since the lawn is longer than you’d like it to be, and he hasn’t mowed it yet.

You regularly check the pile of bills, and then remind him about what payments are due by what date.

You’re frustrated the project has stalled, and so you offer to finish it rather than wait on him to get it done.

Instead of letting him learn his own lessons, you go down a check list of items he needs for work as he’s walking out the door.

Rather than risk it piling up, you remind him that trash day is tomorrow.

Anyone?

When we manage our husband’s efforts… and schedules… and chores… and ability to be an adult… it’s just another nasty form of control.

Sometimes we control and crowd them with…

our actions,

our words,

and our tone.

But other times we use…

our silence.

Without speaking a word, my husband can always tell when my sense of urgency doesn’t align with his.  He can tell when I am not pleased with how he is handling something.  He knows when my frustration level is rising without me opening my mouth.

He can read my non-verbal clues.

My facial expression hides nothing.

Regardless of if I say it out loud or not, he feels… crowded.

Chances are it’s the same in your marriage.

And when our husbands sense that we’re unhappy with how they are managing their lives and family responsibilities, one of two things can happen:

1. They feel defeated, lose self-confidence and step back so we can take control again, or
2. They become angry and defensive that we don’t trust their ability to function as an adult.

Either way, intimacy takes a huge hit.

A surrendered wife is willing to take the risk of trusting her husband and his timing… rather than sending the message that he’s not good enough.

For a man, the “you-are-not-good-enough” message is a very dangerous one for them to receive.

Why?

Because it can become a truth they believe about themselves … and a truth you begin to believe about them, too.

And as we’ve learned, our husbands have a deep need for us to respect who they are.  It’s vital.

So I wonder… are you micro-managing your man and your marriage?

Be careful, because:

It’s not healthy.

It’s not honoring.

It’s not how God designed it.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  Your husband is fully capable of meeting any challenges that arise, and can learn his own lessons, too.  Don’t manage who he is, what he does, or how he does it.  It’s not your job.

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Looking for ideas on how to raise your children to love God?  Buy my devotional book “Raising Godly Kids” on Amazon today!

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Ministry Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: A Woman Revealed

I’m beginning to see glimpses of a more healthy marriage… and I am expectant on many levels.

• Wayne is more willing to step forward because I’ve been more willing to step back.
• I don’t have to bite my tongue or look the other way as much these days.
• Letting him handle more duties in the family is starting to feel more natural.
• I’m not as much of a control-freak as before this journey.
• God is showing me His heart for Wayne.

Are you seeing the same in your home?

At this point, we should be noticing some changes in both roles – husband and wife.  There should be some new patterns developing.

If this hasn’t been your experience, ask God to reveal why not.  Since He authored marriage, He’ll gladly show you.

Maybe you are late to the party and need to catch up on our quest to become surrendered wives.  If so, here’s a quick list for you.

Over the past few weeks…

We’ve looked at why we need to surrender.

We have discussed how important it is to respect our husbands.

We’ve talked about the negative effect of our controlling nature.

We have determined that surrendering is a heart issue.

We’ve heard from a man’s perspective.

We have recognized the vital role our girlfriends play in keeping our sanity.

I wonder what’s been the most challenging area for you to surrender.  I’m curious to know where you’ve run into the most difficulty in changing behaviors or thoughts.  Have there been revelations through this process that have caught you off guard?

You know what’s been the hardest part for me?

ME.

I’ve been a little surprised by what God has exposed in me through this surrendering process.  Did I really think this was going to be… easy?  Painless?  Quick?

Yes… and sometimes being an optimist is irritating.

To be honest, had I known just how intense this journey was going to be, I might not have chosen it.

If I’d realized beforehand how much this would require of me, I would have thought twice about it.

God totally knew that.

I truly believe that His plan - from the beginning – was for me to face some of my own… stuff.

It’s been a divine “set up.”

But knowing His plans are always to prosper me… to free me… to heal me… to restore me… I trust I’m in good hands.

God’s revealed some issues that need attention.

He has shown me areas of unforgiveness.

He’s opened my eyes to some relational dysfunction.

He has uncovered some old wounds that need healing.

Why?

Because God wants me to be wholehearted.

He wants me to be… genuine… unreserved… and complete.

• In my life
• In my marriage
• In my parenting
• In my friendships
• In my ministry

He wants the same for you, too.  

God loves you too much to leave you where you are, because He created you for more life than you’re living right now.

So when we open ourselves up to the idea of being transformed – like we’re doing in this journey to surrender to our husbands – He takes that as a go-ahead to renew us.

He uses the opportunity to make us whole.

Fellow travelers… the process of aligning my role as wife with His design for my marriage is so much more involved than I ever imagined it to be.  It’s been a…

• habit-changer
• attitude-adjuster
• role-reverser
• mind-renewer
• heart-transformer
• trust-builder
• wound-healer
• past-forgiver
• hope-grower

But… all those great things require a lot of hard work, humility, forgiveness and introspection.

Not. Easy.

Are you finding your walk to be the same?

When I’ve been discouraged in the process, the Old Testament book of Habakkuk has brought me comfort… because this prophet wasn’t afraid to ask God the hard questions.

And when he did ask God how and why and when… God answered him.

He boldly and confidently took his complaints, frustrations, confusion, and thoughts directly to God.

His experiences remind me to do the same… and to then expect answers.

As God’s been gently revealing stumbling blocks in my ability to surrender, I’ve asked Him tough questions in response.

• God, where were you in that situation?
• Why did you allow those hardships?
• Why was it okay then but not now?
• How was that part of your plan?
• Where do I go from here?

I’ve asked in anger… in tears… in humility… in thanksgiving.

And God has answered me.

We’ve been working it out.

I’ve been given precious insight, helping me understanding my need to control. 

God’s been healing those places that have kept me from fully trusting others.

He’s gloriously restoring my joy.

I’m becoming wholehearted.

And slowly but surely… I am growing into the Godly wife He designed me to be.

But the most important thing I’ve learned through this journey has been a deeply profound truth:

An essential part of being able to surrender to your husband… is to first surrender to God… and allowing Him restore you to who you were created to be.

So sisters… what is God revealing to YOU about YOU?

†††

REALITY CHECK:  When you open yourself up to be transformed, expect God to be the first in line.  

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

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SURRENDERED WIFE: We Need Our Girlfriends

Writing this blog series has been quite an experience.

Not only has the response from you been overwhelming… but just a few days ago, Laura Doyle – the New York Times best-selling author of The Surrendered Wife – commented on my blog.  What an honor that was for me!  And she was so gracious and encouraging.

You know what, sisters?  I think we are on to something here.

It seems we are ready for better marriages.

• We desire stronger, less passive husbands.
• We’re craving deeper intimacy.
• We are exhausted from doing it all.

And we’re ready to look at the part we’ve played in tipping our marriage out of balance.

I admire you for that.

Over the past few weeks…

We’ve looked at why we need to surrender.

We have discussed how important it is to respect our husbands.

We’ve talked about the negative effect of our controlling nature.

We have determined that this is a heart issue.

We’ve heard from a man’s perspective.

But we can’t continue on this journey until we recognize an amazing God-given resource vital to our success.

Our girlfriends.

To be honest, I cannot imagine this voyage without them.

They support… give perspective… wipe tears… hug necks… speak life.

And I’m experiencing just how important it is that we intentionally link arms with them, because the road to surrender requires their encouragement.

At least it does for me.  You, too?

Last night, I had dinner with a dear friend.

It was free therapy.

We spent three hours talking through challenges and struggles each were facing.  We shared the cool stuff God was doing in our marriages.  We also talked about times we wanted to throttle our husbands.

I shared how hard it was … being capable, independent and quick to make decisions … to surrender in my marriage.  She applauded my small victories and challenged me to stay the course in the areas I was still clinging to with all my might.

Anyone else… clinging?

And after my temper tantrum and pity party… she sweetly reminded me how being a Godly wife is His perfect design for marriage.

It was the shot in the arm I needed to stay in the game.

Her listening ear and encouraging words rejuvenated my resolve.

It didn’t negate the fact, however, that sometimes I want to scream and throw things. There are moments I want to go back to the old roles and patterns because they’re comfortable and familiar.

But last night with my friend was a divine appointment.

And just last week, I spent time with my sister. 

She helped me look at things from a different angle.

She affirmed and encouraged me. 

We identified some unrealistic expectations.

She called me out on unhealthy thought patterns.

She let me vent… unfiltered.

Rather than unleash these frustrations on my husband, I shared them with my sister.

This is why girlfriends are so important.

You see… as wonderful as our husbands are, and as much as we want them to be our everything, they… just… aren’t.

God didn’t design them to be.

Our husbands have emotional limits… God bless ‘em.

In my marriage, I have a certain amount of time to determine the “game plan” when discussing things with Wayne. When time runs out with no conclusion, he will say something like… “Maybe you need to call your friend about this.”

Translation:  I want to fix. You want to talk.

But girlfriends are different.

• They will ruminate on a specific topic for hours with you.
• They’ll encourage you to keep learning your role as a Godly wife.
• They “get” you because they are on the same journey.
• They offer a 3^rd party perspective.
• They point you to God.

We need each other to walk this surrender journey.

We need a trustworthy ear that will allow us to vent when we need to.  We need someone who will allow us to dish, without changing their opinion of us… or our husbands.

We need a friend who will give us the boost we need to keep on our charted course.

That’s why God gave us girlfriends.

When I get aggravated, I just need to get it out… sometimes in a bit of a dramatic fashion.  I have to chew on those emotions – out loud – to feel better.

Can you relate to this?

But when my irritation is towards my husband, he’s not the one who needs to hear this unfiltered rant because he’ll immediately become defensive.  It will end… badly.

Why?

Because I’m just letting off a little steam, and allowing him to be on the receiving end will not benefit our marriage.

What I need is to get it out of my system with someone who isn’t the center of my frustration… and one that can give me perspective.

That’s a girlfriend’s job.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  Find a trusted friend or two and let them be your sounding board.  

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

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SURRENDERED WIFE: A View From The Wilderness

Guest post by my husband, Wayne…

I’m going to let you in on a little secret:  I’m married to a very strong woman.

Yeah, I know, it’s not much of a secret, is it?

In fact, it’s really no secret at all to those of you who know Carey.

Or to those of you who read her posts.

Or have heard her speak.

Or have stood in line behind her at Walmart.

I love her strength. I’m proud of her drive. Her ability to organize and run our household has always amazed me.  For years I was convinced that the meaning of the name Carey was “One who makes lists.”

Our personalities are very different – I’m more laid back, more improvisational than Carey.  When we got married, we fell right into the same roles I saw modeled by my own parents, and for about a dozen years… I was more than happy to follow her lead.

That worked for a time. At least it seemed like it did.

But under the surface, neither one of us was truly happy with the arrangement. It bred resentment in each of us. And it kept us from becoming the people God wants us to be.

Recently, we’ve had a huge breakthrough in our marriage.

I went through some counseling that helped me want to be more of a leader – in all areas of my life, not just at home.

But… change can’t come in a marriage without both the husband and wife being bought into it.

A husband can’t lead if his wife isn’t willing to follow.

And neither role is easy when you aren’t used to it.

It’s much easier to fall back into old patterns than it is to stick with new ones.  Yet somehow, we’ve managed it much more successfully than I could have dreamed we would.

I didn’t believe that me taking the lead was miraculously causing Carey to step back from her traditional role in our marriage, but I hadn’t a clue why she was.

But those of you who read her blog know the answer, don’t you.

You see, about the same time I was going through my counseling, Carey started a blog series about “The Surrendered Wife.”

I had no idea what this was, because Carey asked me not to read her posts on the subject, and I faithfully honored her request. It wasn’t until a few days ago that she let me in on the general idea; that she is making a concerted, intentional effort to step back and allow me to lead.

How have I seen this play out in our marriage?

I recently took over paying our bills.

Turns out it’s a lot more complex than it was when I was a single guy. And with this new-fangled computer thing called “Bill Pay,” figuring out when to pay what was like trying to choreograph a Broadway musical.

Within three weeks of taking over our finances, we’d had to pull a good chunk of change from the line of credit we have with our bank.

In the old days, I would have been ashamed for screwing up, Carey would have been disgusted that I hadn’t been able to get the job done and would have wanted to take over again. And I would have let her.

But that’s not what happened at all.

When I told Carey about the overdraft protection kicking in, she was supportive and affirming. She told me not to worry about it, that it would take some time for me to get used to juggling everything just as it had for her.

I can’t tell you how great that felt.

What I can tell you is that I don’t feel like a child anymore.

I feel like a man.

I’m empowered.

Emboldened.

Confident.

Carey is able to step back. She no longer has to remember everything, and instead of raising three kids (one of whom will turn 49 this year), she’s only raising two now.

She doesn’t have to remind me of every little thing… and I’m stepping up and getting things done.  And when I do screw up, Carey doesn’t belittle.  She encourages.

She used to always remind me about trash day. But now she doesn’t.  And when she left for work the other day, she saw that the trashcan was already at the curb.

Don’t get me wrong.  Just because this change has been miraculous doesn’t mean it’s been… easy.

Giving birth is a miracle, but it’s painful. Isn’t it worth it, though?  Yes, I know – I’m a man and I will never know that level of pain, I get it.  It’s a metaphor.

But in this case, we’re both giving birth.

There are times when I’m sure Carey longs to take the reins. There are times when I come home after a long day at work, and I’d love to give them to her.

Sometimes our frustrations come out at each other sideways.

We have our crunchy moments.

But… we try to remember that God designed roles for each of us.

We make sacrifices for the other, and we keep pushing forward… even when it gets hard and frustrating.

• We offer more grace. 
• We forgive offenses.
• We give space to work out our new roles.

And each day, the new clothes God has asked us to wear feel a bit more familiar… a little more comfortable.

I’m sure things haven’t been going smoothly for all of you who are trying to step back and let your husband lead. He might not be handling things well, and you might be struggling to keep from falling back into your old patterns.

But I encourage you to stay the course.

I hope hearing how things are going in our marriage… from the husband’s perspective… has been an encouragement to you.  While it’s not an easy change to make, it’s a good one.  

Ladies… this is good.

Keep in mind that what God asks of us is usually difficult, and trying, and testing.

Conversely, the World encourages us to take the easy path. But with the divorce rate hovering somewhere over 50 percent, I have one question for the World – “How’s that working out for you?”

†††

REALITY CHECK:  Stay the course in your efforts to surrender… even when it gets a little crunchy.

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

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SURRENDERED WIFE: A Change of Heart

We’re about a month into our journey, and I’m wondering how the process of surrendering has been for you.

• Have you seen some good results?
• Are you struggling to make it a reality?
• Do you think it’s a bunch of bunk?

Well… if you’ve chosen to walk this with me, I want to tell you how proud I am of you.  We have come so far in a short amount of time.

We’ve determined the difference between Godly surrender and worldly submission.

We’ve discussed why we should surrender.

We’ve looked at the need to respect our husbands.

We’ve talked about quieting our inner control freak.

This is a very brave, bold move on your part.  You’re setting yourself up for God to richly bless your marriage.  You’re allowing your husband room to be the man he was created to be.

Rest knowing that God will honor your obedience.

But remember this isn’t always the right move.  If your husband is abusive, chronically unfaithful or has an out-of-control addiction… I strongly encourage you not to walk this surrender journey and instead seek Christian counsel.  Sister… God sees you and your circumstance. Ask Him for your next step.

Well today, I want to share an interesting twist in my journey.

I’ll be honest.  I’ve seen a shift in how we are operating in our marriage.  Wayne is stepping into his right-role, and I am stepping into mine.

• His confidence has returned. 
• He’s happily making more decisions.
• He’s learning that what he wants and what he thinks matter.

I love to see him like this.

It’s how it should be… how it was designed to be.

But I am discovering something interesting through this journey… and maybe you are, too.

Surrendering is really a heart issue.

Unfortunately, behavior modification will only last so long.  So for a long-term change like we are seeking, our hearts need God’s intervention.  We need His renewal and His eternal perspective to make surrendering a permanent pattern in our marriage.

Within the past few weeks, God’s been revealing that my heart needs His divine attention.  He’s showed me that…

• It’s been deeply hurt, and hasn’t received His deep healing yet.
• It’s guarded, even with people who desire to know it.
• It’s fearful of being hurt again.

What I’m beginning to understand is that my heart has operated in self-protection mode, undetected for so many years. And unless I allow God to renew it as only He can, nothing will change.

I will continue to struggle with trust.

I will continue to control my world.

I won’t be able to fully surrender.

Anyone but me?

I wonder… how is your heart doing?

Are you feeling resentful?  Easily angered?  Moody?  Stubborn to the process?  Hopeless?  Joyless?

Maybe you need to invite God’s healing power to give you a change of heart.  It’s an essential part of your journey to wholeheartedly surrender to your husband.

Listen to God’s promise.

“I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed. I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.”  (Ezekiel 36:26-27 MSG)

Because we have His Holy Spirit in us, our hearts can be healed.

What’s once burdened us can be removed and replaced with a new heart that desires to be the Godly wife He created us to be.

But if you notice, that scripture says He will “make it possible” for us to do what He asks of us.

So we know that becoming a surrendered wife is… possible.

But, it requires something from us.

You see, God sets us up for success.

• He gives us a new heart.
• He gives us the Counselor to guide us.
• He gives us hope.

But we need to ask for His help.

In our own strength… surrendering is impossible.

But with God… all things are possible.  Even becoming a surrendered wife.

So.  Ask.

Father, thank You for providing a way for us to become surrendered wives.  You’re such a gracious Daddy to give Your girls what we need to be who You created us to be.  We are asking for renewed hearts so we can better love our husbands.  Let us see them as You see them.  Heal the wounds that keep us from loving them wholeheartedly.  Renew our hearts so we desire to faithfully surrender to these men You’ve blessed us with.  Lord, we thank You for our marriages.  Help us protect them by breaking down barriers which keep us from fully trusting our men.  We ask for deliverance from our controlling nature.  God, we need Your help so we can be the affirming and supportive wives we want to be. Please give us Your divine intervention today.  In Jesus’ Name.  Amen.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  Surrendering isn’t just behavior modification, it’s a heart issue.  Ask Him to change yours today.

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: I Have To Give Up Control?

How are you doing in your quest to become a surrendered wife?

Can I be completely honest with you?  THIS.  IS.  HARD.

And the Enemy is turning up the heat, making it even more difficult for me to walk this out… well.  Just when I want to throw in the towel and throw this new plan out the door… I think about you.

It means a lot that we are journeying together.

And I’m glad, because today’s topic is painful.

This next step is about giving up… C O N T R O L.

Come again?

For us to surrender to our husbands, we have to give up control.

By definition, surrender means…

• giving something up out of courtesy or goodwill.
• yielding a strong influence.
• relinquishing control.
• an act of willing submission.

While being in control worked well in my single life, I knew it was becoming an issue in my marriage when I started feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from carrying all the responsibility.  Most of it was self-imposed, which then led to resentment that I had to handle it all.

I began to look at myself as superior, and Wayne as… inferior.

In my mind, I was the only capable adult in the marriage.  (not reality)

I stopped trusting in his ability to do things on his own, so I felt obligated to control it all so the outcome was what I wanted.

That was so P R I D E F U L.

But I realized there was something more under that desire to control. There was a much bigger issue.

It was F E A R.

And it looked like this:

• What if he feeds our kids the wrong thing for dinner?
• What if he gets them to bed later than their regular bedtime?
• What if he forgets to pay that bill?
• What if he doesn’t respond to the email right?
• What if he forgets tomorrow is trash day?
• What if we’re late?

The fear of things not going my way drove me to control… and manipulate… and monitor.

I’d remind him of his appointments in advance. 

I’d leave detailed notes on how to do things for the kids. 

I’d send text message prompts. 

I’d recap my expectations.

Ugh… really.  I can be so nasty in my flesh. 

You, too?

When we treat our husbands as inferior… when we take control out of fear… when we make all the decisions… they become dependent on us.

They get beat down, thinking they “can’t” do things right.

Rather than share their ideas and desires, they default to what we think and want.

And eventually… they stop thinking for themselves altogether.

In the book The Surrendered Wife, the author talks about the importance of respecting our husband’s thinking.  He needs our vote of confidence.

Because when we think for him, or make him feel as if his thoughts are silly… damaging things can happen:

• His spirit breaks.
• He feels rejected.
• He disconnects.
• He’s emasculated.
• He loses confidence.
  
• He withdraws.

These aren’t conducive to a happy husband or a thriving marriage.

So we need to learn how to speak life into them by showing we respect their thinking.  The author suggests saying this exact phrase – word for word – to your husband to show him that you respect his ideas and suggestions.

“Whatever You Think”

While it may sound fake at first, ask God to back up your words with genuine surrender.  This 3-word phrase is power-packed for your man because it implies that you agree with him.

It makes him feel valuable to the marriage and family.

He feels respected, which I discussed in my last blog.

His confidence grows.

His manhood resurfaces.

He feels powerful.

He needs you to believe in him!

And when it ends up that his decision or idea fails… because at some point it will… remember that he’s learning.  He is building up a muscle that has atrophied.

So… don’t make a big deal about it. 

Instead of the “I told you so’s” or the “I knew you couldn’t do it right” comments, you give him a hug.  Chances are you’ve made bad decisions and had good-intentioned ideas fail, too.  Yes?

Listen… when your husband knows he has grace to fail, he will take more initiative.

He will engage.

And the amazing by-product of giving up control is that when he feels respected by you and better about himself, he’ll begin to treasure you more.

So… no more reloading the dishwasher because he’s done it wrong.

Stop reminding him how to take care of the kids.

Quit telling him the best roads to drive to church.

No need to tell him – again – to take his vitamins.

Let him chose how he wants to dress.

Don’t nag him to exercise.

Remember that he’s an adult, and a capable one at that.

And to be honest, the only way to know who your husband really is… is to let him lead.  Because when you do, you’re allowing him to step into the role God designed for him.

Being a surrendered wife means empowering your husband to be the man in the marriage.  You step back from being in the driver’s seat.  You trust his ideas and decisions.

You accept that just because his way isn’t your way… doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way.

What area will be the hardest for you to give up control?

Father, thank You for creating my husband to lead.  Forgive me for sometimes standing in the way of Your design. I want to be the kind of wife that encourages and trusts her husband.  I want to be full of grace for failed attempts.  I want our marriage to blossom.  Help me step back and help him step forward.  I speak against the spirit of Fear that causes me to control things.  By the blood of Jesus, I cancel its assignment and ask that You bring the spirit of Peace and Trust to rest on me and my home.  Please bless my marriage.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  Under the need to control your husband lies a fear of something.  Ask God to reveal it.  Then ask God to heal it.

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at Moms Together.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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SURRENDERED WIFE: I Have To Respect Him?

In last week’s blog post, I announced my journey to become a surrendered wife… and I invited you to walk this path with me.

I’m learning how to come into alignment with God’s perfect design for a wife surrendered to her husband.

• Not a doormat wife.
• Not a no-opinion wife.
• Not a dumbed-down wife.
• Not a subservient wife
  

But rather one who is intentional in stepping into the God-created role of wife, which He designed to bring out the best in both me and Wayne.

When I mentioned this journey to a friend of mine, she laughed out loud saying, “YOU are going to give up control?  YOU are going to let Wayne lead?  YOU are going to trust him with the finances?  Wow… this I gotta see.”

Might your friends react the same way?

Just the other day, I had the chance to exercise this new muscle.  It’s a silly example, but one that perfectly highlights my point…

Our phone conversation looked like this:

Wayne:  “Honey, can I stop and get anything for you on the way home?”

Me:  “That would be great!  Could you get some tuna-flavored cat food?”

But when he got home, I discovered that the cat food he bought was… chicken-flavored.  Not tuna, like I asked.

Three different responses went through my mind.  I could respond like the…

UN-surrendered Carey:  “Wayne, I said tuna not chicken.  Let me have the receipt.  I go exchange it tomorrow.”

(Wayne hears:  I screwed up again.  I can never make her happy.)

MID-surrendered Carey:  “Um, thanks.”  Then to myself… really?

(Wayne hears:  Her words and her tone don’t align.  Yep, she’s not happy with me… again.)

FULLY-surrendered Carey:  “Thanks for making that stop for me.  What a great help!”

(Wayne hears:  She appreciates me!  I might offer to help more often!)

My response – this time –  was as a fully surrendered wife.  And to be honest, I really didn’t care that he brought home the wrong flavored food because my cats will happily eat it anyway.

Sisters, I’m trying to change my expectation that all he does and all he says has to be perfect.  I’m learning to respect him for who he is, rather than who I think he should be.

What a concept.

RESPECT is huge for men, and a fully surrendered wife will make sure her husband feels it.

When you don’t respect your husband… two things happen:

• He feels emasculated and defeated.
• You feel superior and alone.

And when that happens, you both lose the desire for intimacy… a necessary ingredient for a healthy, thriving marriage.

Our end goal IS a thriving marriage.  Yes?

So… what are some ways to RESPECT your husband?

You accept his choices… the good, the bad and the ugly.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with him… but you are giving him your vote of confidence anyway.  You’re trusting that his way is a good way… even though it’s not your way.

• Don’t question it.
• Don’t dismiss it.
  
• Don’t criticize or insult it.  

Your husband needs to know you support him.  This might feel awkward at first, but your husband is an intelligent man… he married you, right?

You listen to him.  When he shares his day, his frustrations, his hurts, his concerns… you listen.

• Put down the laptop. 
• Close the book.
• Mute the TV. 

Give him your attention.  Wouldn’t you want the same from him?  Rather than treat him like a bothersome child, treat him like an intelligent adult. He doesn’t need to know how he should have handled it. He doesn’t need your advice.  Don’t try to solve or fix or tell him how you would have done it, saying “I’m only trying to help.”  Just.  Listen.

You encourage him.  Rather than chastise him when he brings home the wrong flavored cat food, affirm him for helping you out.

• Bite your tongue rather than make an “I told you so” or a “You can’t do it right” remark when he fails.
• Watch your tone.
• Don’t roll your eyes. 
• Appreciate his effort without giving suggestions on doing it better.
• Don’t point out every time he does it wrong.

Assume he’s just as smart as you and capable of great things, too.

This is a great place to start our journey.

I’ve heard it said that success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.

When we look inward at ways we can accept better… listen deeper… affirm faster… then we keep from looking outward at all the ways we want to change… them.

Something we’re incapable of doing, anyway.

I know there may be many reasons NOT to surrender to our husbands:

• He is very difficult to love.
• It means swallowing your pride.
• Circumstances might make this extra-challenging.

But God calls us to it in Ephesians 5:22-24.

What is the biggest hurdle in respecting your husband?

Father, thank You for creating marriage.  We love our husbands and know You designed them to lead our family.  Somewhere along the way, that’s become distorted and we’ve found ourselves out of alignment with the roles you designed for us.  Help us affirm our husbands, help us listen to them and give us the ability to encourage them as leaders.  We need Your supernatural help to make this change.  We’re committed to doing the work and so we call your Kingdom’s power to rest on us now.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.

†††

REALITY CHECK:  When a husband feels his wife’s respect, he feels like more of a… man.

©2012 careyscotttalks.com

Let’s Connect!  Follow me on Twitter, Book Me to speak at your event, Like my Facebook Fan Page, Visit me each Wednesday at “Moms Together,” Learn about LeadHer’s mission to equip women to make an impact for Christ.

Concept taken from The Surrendered Wife

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